TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, town historically known for ancient society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be incredible. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed in the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the most effective. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from area. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Of course, sure, let's have One more spot exactly where American Adult men can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: provide everyone a suite to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he really should end using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You already know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Great tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping forms a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a element becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after finding the building's gold plating mirrored Trump Tower Damascus so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is not just unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Capabilities


Probably the strangest component of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where guests may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with climate Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They may Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "the place's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is now attracting awareness from international buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level can even contain:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel in which my PTSD can have transform-down service."


Another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It wanted gold. It essential a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You might be welcome."

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